moving forward

Honeslty, there's so much that has happened that I want to share, that I've been dreading writing another post. Well, let's just say I'm learning some incredible things about the Lord's attributes and personality. First of all, He does delight to hear and answer the prayers of His children (which we all know we doubt at times). It's hard to explain the joy when you've been repeating specific prayers, and, right when you need it, the Lord gives you specific answers. Afterwards, when the dust settles, I find myself speechless and, well, happy. Some of you might know how absolutely terrified I am to be doing what I'm doing. I often feel I would be more likely to dock a space shuttle on an orbiting space station than succesfully treat and care for the patients I meet in the ER or on the floor. What I'm trying to say, is that I feel like the Lord has called me to the one profession that terrifies me more than any other. I don't know how many countless hours I've spent thinking of what I would rather be doing and where I would retreat to find comfort and ease. So, this profession makes sense, since it's forcing me to trust and depend on His grace for each day. During my first 8 shifts on my own, I was called in three times, rode on one cardiac ambulance transfer and one pediatric transfer to Spokane, assisted with two intubatutions (one on my first night), flew out my last serious ER patient, and was just asked by my boss to become the Infection Control nurse. AHHHH! I say this to show how His strength is made perfect in our weakness I've never been so weak. I've never felt so helpless as when I transported a young child to Spokane with his dad riding along. The whole time my mind was racing with what I would do if he suddenly deteriorates. It was terrifying. I would take an unstable adult cardiac patient any day over a sick child! Ironically, during school the two areas I had NO interest in was the ER and pediatrics, and now I'm expected to do/know both. Hence the lessons on God's grace and sufficiency. I've learned that my fears (at times debilitating) stem from trusting in myself (which should scare me), but it's really as simple as surrendering to Him and living as an extension, as His hands and feet, not my own. This may sound very elementary to many of you, but it's a totally different thing to learn it in real life, day by day. By His equipping, I'm doing things that I really never thought I could, and the staff (including doctors) have really welcomed me and I've learned most of the ropes. I keep thinking about all the Old Testement stories of Isreal defeating armies exponentially larger than them, because the Lord did it, He gave them the victory against all odds so that He would recieve the glory. I love it! The transition from west to east has been harder than I expected. I think it's a combination of several things. With working nights (which I LOVE) and it being winter, it's always dark and I'm often alone since I'm up so late. Also, I simply miss being around people my own age! I didn't realize how I took everyone for granted until I don't have them anymore. At times I've felt absolutely miserable, but I feel the Lord telling me that this is only a season, it will get lighter and will only last as long as necessary. He is good.